The Adventures They Didn't Want You to See
by HarmonyInDissonance
Summary: No one ever seemed to describe all those strange but awesome changes in the transition between Ep.I and Ep. II...so I took that liberty. These are those adventures they hid from you, the loyal fans of the series...so read and enjoy!
1. Horny Drunks on the Elsa

**Author's Notes:** This is my first fanfic, so don't review that harshly, please. Heh, this is just a compilation of all my humorous ideas for parodies of my favorite game series (Xenogears included), but I hope you enjoy everyone! Just beware that it's rather random…

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Xenosaga or any of the characters, names, etc.. These belong to Monolith Soft/Namco, as we all probably know.

**Warning:** There is one tiny spoiler in this chapter to the end of Xenosaga Episode 2, but its not concrete, very important, or something most haven't picked up anyway.

**The Adventures They Didn't Want You to See!**

**Chapter 1: Horny Drunks on the Elsa**

All was peaceful on the quaint little spacecraft that we all know and love called the Elsa, or so it seemed. Shion was making her little biography tape record thing that we saw in Xenosaga Episode II's beginning where Allen was flirting with all of the guys, Ziggy was getting maintenance on a malfunctioning man-part, Matthews was kicking Hammer's head in…But wait, where's the rest of them? These are the adventures they didn't want you to see.

Jr. walks in, returning from the private bar, wasted up to his ears, with MOMO persuading him. "C'mon hottie firehead, show me what you're made of!" she screams. "O, yes, o yes!" the U.R.T.V. screams. The rest of the crew stares in horror. "I'm happy that Ziggy is getting maintenance, otherwise that sick ol' man would be thinking dirty thoughts right now, guaranteed!" Hammer giggled like a gossiping soccer mom. "Shut up, ya moron!" And with that, the nerdy navigator was kicked again and he proceeded to sob. "I thought we had something special," He said. Capt. Matthews left his pedestal, probably going to drink away his sorrows.

"Shhhhooosh! I'm trying to make my Vector tape!" Shion cries. Everyone laughs at her. Jr., without Matthews here to combat him, has the opportunity to take over the command post. "What are you doing, Jr.? I thought we had something special!" MOMO shouted. Silence fills the room. "We are leaving the current course, hell yeah! Time to go to my favorite planet in the world; Second Milftia!" All begin to whisper. "Aren't we going to 2nd Miltia anyway?" Shion asked. Jr. spasmodically shook his head, saying "NO! NO! WE ARE GOING TO 2nd MILFTIA! THAT EXTRA LETTER MAKES ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE!" Enter Ziggy. "Finally! I can finally test my mechanical 'enhancement kit' that I picked up at the Foundation…hehe, thanks kid," he said to Jr.. So, the crew was off to 2nd Milftia, and Tony and Hammer obeyed the orders because they wanted to go there more than wait for the important characters to finish their missions to save everything and everyone…phew.

_Ten minutes later_

The ship was in Miltian space, yet again, turning to the planet dead next to the desired location. There was a big floating sign overhead what looked like an advertisement for the Intergalactic Penthouse Foundation. "I wish that my Foundation could be as prestigious as the IPF…sob" whimpered Jr.. MOMO cried, "Jr., I thought we had something special!" Jr. shook his head and laughed like a horse. Shion and Allen looked in disgust. "How could you! Why! I'm happy here with my special angel, I don't need WOMEN! That WHORE broke my heart!" Allen screamed. Shion slapped him and screamed, "You were homosexual all along and you know it! I just sped up the process!" "Your voice cracked, luv," chaos serenely stated to Allen. Whispers were heard. "Since when was chaos gay?" "Yeah, he's Jesus after all, right? And besides, didn't he fall for KOS-MOS?" chaos was very hurt. "I thought you were my friends! If you paid attention to me, you would know these things!" He covered the floor in tears.

A drunk Jr. said, "Not my fault that the writers don't care about you, transvestite!"

chaos ran back to his room, and Allen tried to comfort him. "Now look what you did, Shion!" He gave her the bird and gallantly trotted off with his soulmate.

Just then, the intercom picked up.   
-Now docking in 2nd Milftia. Repeat, now docking in 2nd Milftia. Bring your barfbags, condoms, and blue-haired Anti-Gnosis robots.-

KOS-MOS awakens and her module pops open by itself. "I…love…milfs…I…love…milfs…must…find…milfs…must have milfs…" KOS-MOS arrives in the hangar. "Milf now. Where is milf?" Jr. points to Shion and says, "There's the first, when I'm done with her!" Shion faints. Ziggy is angered now.

"I saw her first."

"You wanna fight over it?"

"You're on. When we get there, of course"

"Yaaaa!"

Jr. jumps out of his cockpit and tackles Ziggy. Ziggy, being a cyborg and all with superhuman strength, throws him into the waste vacuum and Jr. is consumed into black space.

Meanwhile…

Capt. Matthews is on his third shot, but he is not drunk enough to be unwary of the floating redhead outside the window. "Ya moron! You still alive?" He nods. "OFF TO MILFTIA!" The Capt. thinks to himself, "Since when was he the immortal one. O, well, let's drink!"

Ziggy, being the oldest one there by 100 or so years, takes over as the temporary captain. "Onward!" They begin to descend.

_Another ten minutes later_

Commencing docking into the Planet of the Milfs-

On the docking bay, they meet a strange surprise.

"OMFG WTF BBQ! IT'S JR.?" Ziggy shouts in horror.

"Of course. I'm the Highlander!"

"I love that movie! Peace?"  
"Sure. Lets go hit on milfs."

They skip away into oblivion, a la, an amusement park planet filled with milfs. "They forgot the barf bags…" "YA MORON! I have motion sickness to walking!" Capt. Matthews said. The rest of the crew walks off. "YA MORONS!"

So there you have it; the dramatic beginning, but there is more to come, so don't you worry! I'll be working on chapter 2 in the near future, depending on your reviews.


	2. Albedo's Diabolic Return

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Xenosaga. Monolith Soft and Namco own Xenosaga, and the movie extras that were supposedly going to be handed out if you reserved XS2 but never really were…

Warning: Minor XS2 conclusion spoilers. Be warned.

**Chapter 2: Albedo's Diabolic Return**

Resuscitated as Wilhelm's faithful testament, he roams our dimension again. The insane, the regenerating, the effeminate, the child molesting…Albedo. Once again, he seeks the crew of strong wills and his other half to make them repent, but this time, he has a plan!

"So what you are saying is that you are going to cross-dress and disguise yourself as a 'M.I.L.F.' to throw off the suspicions of these necessary victims during their stay on 2nd Milftia? As a tour guide? Perfect way to begin your trickery, my weaver of Zarathrusta. I feel that you are going to finally fulfill your full potential that I have speaking of to everyone else."

"Sir, where can I find a suitable crimson push-up bra?"

"I happen to be wearing one. Borrow mine, eternal weaver of Zarathrusta."

"I'd be glad to have that honor! Gimme, sir, gimme now!"

Albedo places his bra over his futuristic implants

"I hope you have knowledge that those special breasts are top-notch technology. You can change the size, texture, and shape of the individual breasts for better camouflage. But beware, White Testament; these breasts…Breasts of the Apocalypse…will disappear by midnight of tomorrow. Use these breasts to their full potential, my homo-erotic weaver."

"I love you, sir."

"Now…Be off!

"Jack off? Okay. I shall…jack off!"

Removes cheerleading mini-skirt

"NO! STOP! We didn't remove your male genitals; that would be…evil. Be off."

"Aww…you disappoint me, sir. Albedo out."

Albedo runs off as a skimpy milf

_Meanwhile…_

Writer: So, we have the crew of the Elsa and our characters running about on Planet 2nd Milftia. Let's see how we are doing, shall we?

Capt. Matthews:Ya moron! I protest...my crew ran off without me. I need my bags!"

Writer:You will probably feel much better when you aren't drunk. Just sit on the bench, wait it out, you'll see.

Capt.:But…I'm afraid.

Writer: Of what?

Capt.: Albedo's return! Albedo is coming back!

Writer: What gave you that idea? I mean, he was lifted into his afterlife by a couple of Kirchwassers, so why would you fathom such a foolish thing.

Capt.: The chapter title?

Writer: I forgot you could read…Okay, scratch that. Where were we? Okay, let's see what happens!

Hammer and Tony pondered together while sitting cross-legged on the nearest bench to the docking bay.

Hammer: What are we supposed to do here anyway?

Tony: The writers appear to want you to search for your lost homosexual lover while I hit on milfs. Sorry, nerd.

Hammer: Why are us magnificent otakus such as myself always persecuted and assumed to be homosexual?

Tony: Because you have no life and get erections when you watch "Spirited Away".

Otacon: Heyyyyy…I resemble that remark!

Tony: You aren't supposed to be here!

Otacon: I'm here on vacation; Snake is in the caravan having an orgy with my incestuous step-sister and Raiden.

Hammer: Goody! Where o where would this gift from the gods of Final Fantasy be?

Otacon points to what seems to look like a medieval Suburban from the 90s in the dark corners of the forests and Hammer runs off

Tony: Let's go hit on milfs.

Otacon: Shya, boi.

_Meanwhile, within the dark depths of downtown._

Shion, MOMO, and Allen, against his volition, are walking around the park together, being interrogated by milfs everywhere. They would walk up to the female pair saying things such as "Heh, you are soooooooo underdeveloped!" and "Let the kid get implants, you milf wannabe." Slowly and surely, the three are getting irritated, especially Allen, who wants to accidentally send a knife in the back of his ex-love effort's head.

Just then…voices are heard.

:I can help you realize your wild dreams in this place. You want to get back at those perverted little children that hurt you so? I can help you.

MOMO:Show yourself!

:Okay, here you go. I'm the beautiful, super erotic, super magical, super-large breasted Albedina!"

And so very large-breasted this mysterious Albedina was. So large breasted that they jiggled in the wind, and this was as sexy as it was suspicious. "I'm your tour guide," she whispered, as she strutted towards them.

chaos:O, yes! Where under God's world did that hunk of a man learn to STRUT down towards them like that?

Writer:Shut up, transvestite. No one cares about you. Hehehehahaha!

chaos: No one understands! No one understands me! sob

Writer:Okay, that's a wrap. Until next time, folks!


End file.
